The Violence We Don't See

A poem for the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

The 25th of November marks the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, and I want to share this poem with you, even though a part of me wishes that this day did not need to exist at all. But I have worked long enough with women who have experienced domestic violence to know that honouring this day is still absolutely necessary.

This poem is for all the women who have experienced any form of abuse behind closed doors and then carried the unbearable belief that they are to blame for this.

It is also an invitation to look more closely at the quieter ways in which women experience violence - the emotional abuse, the gaslighting, the controlling behaviours, the subtle shaming, that is often difficult to name, but can wound just as deeply as any physical harm.

I also want to acknowledge that even though the poem speaks through the familiar lens of men as perpetrators and women as victims, these roles are not fixed. Men can often be victims too, and violence can take many forms. But we cannot ignore what the data shows us, year after year, across countries and cultures.

• According to the United Nations (2024), around 50,000 women and girls worldwide were killed by their partners or family members last year.

• Roughly 60% of all female homicides happen within the home.

• For men, that figure is about 11%.

  
  

These numbers are not abstract, but mirror the stories many of us hear in the therapy room- stories of love intertwined with danger, fear and control, and a confusion about what is the cost that one should eventually pay to be loved.

So this poem is my small attempt to honour those who survived and fought, to grieve those who didn’t, and to keep insisting on a world where there is no love without safety.

You don’t see them

The men who kill women

With their arms or with their words

They could be your friend or your dad or your brother

And you could say “He is such a good guy”

“He would never do anything”

Or “He just did it out of love”

He sent her angry messages with threats

out of love

He stood outside of her house for hours when she begged him not to

out of love

He said a woman with many romantic partners is not worth much

out of love

“He just wanted to protect her”

That’s why he always needed to know where she is

That’s why he always shouted at her

whenever she didn’t tell him where exactly she was

Or didn’t text him back every hour when she was out

You know, right?

He was just too much in love

Not his fault

He’s just too emotional

You know, right?

These men that kill women

They have sisters and mothers and wives

They are not unreal creatures or prisoners behind cells

You may have seen them

And may have even fallen in love with them

Because they promised you the world

But you didn’t know this meant you would have to give up your life

Sometimes you pay a very high cost for being loved

Sometimes you pay the cost with your life

Maybe

Maybe you even ate their lies for breakfast

And their love for dinner

And you were left feeling hungrier than ever

As it always happens when you eat a plate of empty love

I don’t blame you

They made you believe that without them you wouldn’t survive

When actually they are the ones that needed your light to not perish in their darkness

You could have been the most intelligent and beautiful woman

You could have been the most loving and empathetic one

The one who believed that she could always know the red flags

You could come from a loving family

And still be with a man

Who is one of the those that kill women

You could even have given so much love to him

and really believed that your love will help him see past his insecurity and hate

Or maybe you believed that your love would save him

Maybe

You should know that there is nothing wrong with you

And that the brighter your light, the more these men want to kill it

Like predators hunting at night the most beautiful and rare animals

And now you are here on the other side

Or maybe still there

Wondering "where did my light go?"

Trying to process it all

Thinking “what happened?”

How did I get into this?

Was it me, or just a sad insecure girl?

Blaming yourself

But you should know that there is nothing insecure about choosing to believe in the goodness of people

There is nothing sad about choosing to believe in love above hate

You saw love because you had it inside of you

And to love you will return

But these men who kill women

They have nothing to return to

Only their dark empty self

full of glass jars saying “love” on them

And containing nothing but darkness

Looking for the next person to sell them to for comfort pills

These men who kill women

If you see them please don’t buy from them

Drug dealers are nothing without their buyers

Just like these men have no other identity

Apart from the women they kill

Don’t give them an identity

P.S. Although perpetrators of violence often carry their own histories of trauma that also need understanding and therapeutic work, this poem is written to give voice to the victims. My intention is not to blame, but to help release survivors from the burden of self-blame that so often follows abuse.